She ran, ran as fast as she could. But what she didn’t know was that no amount of running could help her get away from what she had been through all these years. She was wrong to run so she finally decided to stop, look back and reflect on what had happened. Thoughts came to her one by one. She remembered when once she was late to answer his phone call and he didn’t get back to her for three days until he needed someone to dominate and when he gets back to her, she was the one to say she’s sorry because apparently it was ‘her fault’. She remembered when once she went out with his friends and she laughed too loud and how he made her feel horrible about it all night that she couldn’t sleep. It was ‘her fault’ again because she should’ve controlled herself. She remembered the sacrifice she gave when she received an offer letter from one of the most prestigious universities in Europe, but she couldn’t go because if she left, ‘it was over’. She remembered all those times when she was constantly told that she was not beautiful and that if he left, she would be all alone. She remembered when she was told that she could not do well in studies and in her career, so that she could tell herself that her real place was in his home, to serve him. She remembered how he would shamelessly say horrible stuff about her family and friends, apologize the next day but say the same old abusive statements about them again. She remembered how he would harm himself if she didn’t listen to him. She remembered all those suicidal threats she was given if she would not follow his rules, eat the way he wanted her to, dress the way he wanted her to, talk the way he wanted her to or simply just breathe the way he wanted her to. She remembered how cleverly he would make everything seem like it was her fault, and his aggressive nature would make her believe him. She was so educated, she loved to read and write, play sports and dance, how could she not understand what he was doing to her? Once, she went to another country for her sisters wedding and when she came back home after a week, she finds him missing. He was mad at her because she didn’t give him ‘enough time’ and that her family was ‘more important’ to her. She was the one to apologize again because it was ‘her fault’. Constantly telling her that she needs to cut ties from her family completely, she gave into whatever he was telling her to do, without realizing that she was in an abusive relationship.
She remembered when he would be happy one moment and extremely mad at her the next along with the emotional and physical abuse that would come with it. She still kept going back to him. Was she in love or was she so used to the torture? It was so hard to answer this question because she found herself in both situations. When you give so much of yourself to a person, you find it hard to leave them, she thought. But it was okay, because when she stopped and looked back, that’s when she decided that she will put an end to this torturous relationship. She cried at first, how could I give three years of my life to the human being who never actually loved me but only loved the idea of dominating me, emotionally and physically torturing me? But then she stopped because she realized, that she wasn’t the same person that got into the relationship in the first place. She was stronger than before, wiser than before. She felt beautiful by herself. She felt that she could finally breathe fresh air. She decided to send voice notes to all her loved ones, and tell them that she loves them and that she’s sorry for being away from them for so long. She feels great! The phone rings and it’s him, she declines.
Note: I’ve met and listened to so many people who have been through abusive relationships, obviously at different levels and I’ve noticed that most of them think that there was something wrong with them which is why they had to go through it. If you’re reading this and you’re in an abusive relationship or you’re a survivor, don’t believe anything you were told about yourself by your partner, believe the opposite!